I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
