I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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