Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
