You smell like a Billy Joel song
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
