sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
