I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
