Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
