wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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