how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
