he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
