he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she peed on how many people?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
