The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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