you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
