You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
