Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
