dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
