I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
