Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
