He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.