chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
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