I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
