between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
