Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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