I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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