if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
