im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
