My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
