K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I touched a dick in church today
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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