So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
