he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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