He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
