I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
