paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
