farters have to be the big spoon...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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