just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
