He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
