Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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