Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
