I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
