I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
