yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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