I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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