you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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