Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
