So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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