if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
