He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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