why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
