I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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