Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
