I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
