so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
