I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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