Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She has the best kind of daddy issues
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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