You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
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shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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